


Placing The Blame

by CaughtAlwaysSleeping



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Guilt, I didn't wanna tag as major character death but Lup does die, Past Abuse, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, btw it's not stated in fic but Barry had an abusive past, his last partner would manipulate him by threatening suicide, sorry this is sad but my friends in the TAZ writers discord made me do it, which is why hes convinced its his fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 10:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14162973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaughtAlwaysSleeping/pseuds/CaughtAlwaysSleeping
Summary: Barry, who's had his run in with emotionally abusive relationships in the past, can't help but feel like Lup's death was his fault. After all, he was supposed to go with her.





	Placing The Blame

It was his fault. Obviously, this entire thing was his fault. He was supposed to go with her, he was supposed to be there to protect her, but he wasn’t. He was sick in bed while she was out there fighting. He was throwing up while Magnus and Lucretia went out in search of her.

She had been gone for so long and everyone was starting to worry. The rest of the crew waited anxiously for the three to come back. When they did, though…

He saw Magnus, Lup’s body draped over his shoulder. Gently, he lays her down. Barry doesn’t need to step closer to see she’s dead. Her body was scraped up, her leg twisted in a way that was clearly shattered bone. Her hair was a mess, sticks and bits of rock tangled inside disrupting the usually flawless hair.

“She was at the bottom of a ravine. She must have fallen in.” Lucretia explains.

“We didn’t want to leave her down there,” Magnus says.

Their words echo in his head, bouncing around off the inside of his skull and making his head ache terribly. He stumbles forward, steadying himself with the handrail of the Starblaster. Once he’s on the ground he succumbs to the nausea and vomits. It smells horrible and his throat is burning, but he can’t find the energy to care. He sinks down so he’s sitting on the ground, curls his arms around his upset stomach.

He deserves it. He was supposed to go with her, but he let her go alone, go without him, and now she was dead. It was his fault, his fault, his fault-

“Barry.” Lucretia holds a glass of water out for him.

“I don’t want it,” he mutters.

“You’re sick, you need to stay hydrated.”

“I don’t deserve it. It’s my fault. I was supposed to go with her.” he spits to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth, but the taste of guilt leaves a nasty aftertaste.

“Barry, I don’t know where you got an idea like that but I must say it’s incredibly stupid. You’re sick, you needed to stay here!” Davenport says.

He should be upset. He should be sad, angry, guilty, something. But all he feels is the space in his chest yawning open all over again. “If I had gone with her she would be alive right now. I was assigned to the mission, I was supposed to go, I was supposed to be there for her. But I wasn’t. So it’s my fault.” Barry spells it out for them, confused as to why they can’t seem to get something so simple. It was his fault she was dead, easy as that, they should be mad at him. It’s his fault.

“Barry, we all feel a little guilty. Anyone of us could have gone with her, or we could have postponed the mission altogether. It’s heartbreaking, yes, but it’s not your fault.” Lucretia says, offering him the water again. “No one blames you for getting sick, it’s okay.” And that’s the real problem. How could they not blame him? He could’ve done something, could’ve taken safety precautions to not get sick, not let Lup go alone.

“I don’t want it,” Barry says. He’s exhausted and his throat is burning and his head feels like it’s splitting open, and he deserves it. He deserves all of this because he wasn’t there for her. He wasn’t there when Lup needed him most, and that is unforgivable. He forces himself to stand despite the fact his legs feel like they’ll collapse any second and starts walking back into the ship. “I think I’m going to be in my room for a while.” Lucretia offers him the water again, but he focuses on his feet, one in front of the other until he arrives at his room.

There was so much here that reminded him of her. Her clothes, her makeup, her pillows on his bed. Once they got together they started slowly moving into the same room, so everywhere he looked he saw something of hers.

He sits down on the bed, running his hand over the place where she usually sleeps. It’s cold. She had been sleeping in her assigned room while he was sick because he didn’t want to give her whatever he has.

That thought makes his insides churn and threaten to make him vomit again. He had been pushing her away. He pushed her away and this was her way of making him pay for it. She would’ve never fallen if he had been there, she would have never jumped if he had let her stay with him. But he pushed her away and it’s almost like he pushed her off the edge of the ravine. He should’ve been better, he should’ve known better by now. They’ve had years and years of practice, why didn’t he know better?

He analyzes the conversation they had, looking for clues. She had seemed okay at the time, saying it was okay. She had only seemed concerned for him. She smiled sadly, kissed her fingers and pressed them to his lips. That was their last kiss of this cycle. Maybe even the last kiss ever, Barry couldn’t fathom how Lup would want to be with him after he abandoned her like that.

Her smile was the only clue that betrayed how upset she was. He should have picked up on it. He should have let her stay with him, he should have caved when she asked if he was sure he wanted her to sleep in her own room. 

He realizes this was a test. Lup was testing him to see if he would prove himself worthy, and obviously, he failed. She had given him a second chance, too. His test was telling her to sleep in her own bed, his second chance when she said goodbye. He could’ve gone with her, he could’ve gotten ready and went with her, but he didn’t. He said “See you soon.” and blew her a kiss.

He’s a terrible boyfriend and no one can convince him otherwise.


End file.
